it's been a two-naps-per-day kind of year
why is it so dark outside
l o l it’s been like four months? in classic depressive fashion i started a project (this newsletter) and did not finish it (“but there’s no finish line,” you say. true! i just gave up really quickly, apparently). but now i am in the mood for waxing poetic for no particular reason.
as a fair warning, i’m going to be talking about depression, anxiety, and other related topics here. proceed with caution!
seasonal affective disorder is hitting me like a metric shit ton of unusually heavy bricks. my first panic attack in months i had last night, set off by another sighting of a cockroach in my apartment (currently accepting applications for a cat that will actually kill bugs— the current occupant lives rent free and refuses to attack them!)
an introvert by nature, i have come out largely emotionally unscathed by stay at home orders. an excuse to stay home and only see my (lazy, but cute) cat and my boyfriend? on paper, that’s the dream! i go to work, get in approximately eight hours of noncommittal social time, and go home again. in between any inside joke or getting-to-know-you moment with a colleague is the fear of fucking up, the fear of speaking to a stranger, the weirdly specific capitalistic anxiety that comes with speaking to a customer, from whom you are emotionally prepared to receive, at best, negative vibes, or at worst, emotional battery or degrading comments (i won’t go on and on about my personal experience with social anxiety and customer service or the emotional toll it takes to be a service worker during the pandemic for now… because that’s a whole memoir, frankly).
i carry these anxieties with me pretty much everywhere. i think of them like little spiders in my brain. in general, they have good intent. they’re trying to keep me safe! but they don’t understand the difference between actual life threatening danger and general discomfort. because they’re dumb spiders. i have to feed these little spiders or i will not be able to get out of bed. i have to stomp them away or else i will have a panic attack before work. the spiders change what they need every day— sometimes they need to be ignored, sometimes they need attention, sometimes they need absolutely nothing at all and i am doomed to just exist at their mercy.
right now these little spiders are pretty much my only friends. they keep me company, they check in on me— and that’s not to say i don’t have real life people checking in on me, but i am often afraid or in/at the wrong place wrong time to confess how i am actually feeling, and so it’s really only the little spiders who know what’s happening.
on days like today i’m an empty glass. fully empty. not even the tiny bit of lukewarm water bedtime-you would leave for yourself for morning-you. it’s a day where i have no energy, at all, no energy to pursue work where i cannot see an end goal in sight. i can barely bring myself to consume any media besides tweets and tiktoks because i get so deeply sad that i’m not doing something artistic, something to further my career. and then i get sad about being sad, and then more sad that that is what i’m sad about (how boring and insufferable of me). and then i think about all the people who are traveling home for thanksgiving and get sad that everyone is going to die. that’s a big jump but i promise it makes sense in my head.
anywho. i write this not to garner sympathy, but to reflect a snapshot in time where i am at my lowest of lows, to celebrate in my own recognition of my depression. i hope that’s, idk, relatable???????? i’ve been here before, and i didn’t know what it was or what it meant, and that was what was most painful. and i know i’ll climb out eventually. it takes time and probably some zoloft.
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things i’ve read recently:
shrill by lindy west
i watched the hulu series starring aidy bryant (queen) before reading this, and i didn’t know what to expect, really. but if you liked the hulu series, west’s memoir goes deeper, letting you relish in the triumphs and the losses and then making you laugh (out loud! on the train!). i was especially struck by her use of asides, something i personally love to use (who doesn’t love a quippy parenthetical?! anyone?!?!), but also gave the book a beautiful personal touch.
minor feelings: an asian american reckoning by cathy park hong
another memoir. we stan non fiction. i have often gone on and on about my own asian americanness and how i feel like i don’t fit into a “white” or a “filipino” mold. but who does? hong recognizes the tenuous relationship between asian americans and black folks, highlighting colorism and the weaponization of proximity to whiteness, something i think asian american writers often skip over, something i have skipped over in my own philosophical ramblings about my racial identity.
a very interesting read—quantifying fame and creativity is fascinating— and one that quelled many of my capitalistic and career based anxieties these last couple of weeks. it’s not just me!
things i’ve watched recently:
the queen’s gambit on netflix
took me a while to warm up to this (if you haven’t heard me say it before, i’ll say it again: i have the attention span of a small rodent), but by the end i was deeply invested in the protagonist’s redemption arc and weirdly nostalgic for an era which i never experienced. jane hu from vulture notes this series as a “fake deep period piece”, which is exactly the phrase i’ve been waiting for to describe mad men after watching a total of 3 episodes five years ago. and while i’ll concede that i find that particular description accurate, i was also intrigued by the spirit of competition, the unity and lack thereof in a small but vibrant community, and navigating male dominated spaces as a woman.
the ratatouille musical crowdsourced by tiktok users
while the medium and the source material are flawed (tiktok and disney = evil corporations) this is a beautiful example of what i think the internet should be: a communication tool, a creative outlet, a collaborative process. it’s the magic of the theatre as it once was and the power of the internet as it should be. let’s just hope disney doesn’t steal all this labor from small creators. this song is my favorite.
What is Transformative Justice? with Adrienne Maree Brown -
the fight against policing and prisons is not over. let’s be fucking clear about that. and biden’s win is a small step in the right (or left?) direction, the democratic party platform is not enough to transform the horrible human rights violations happening every day in the united states. it’s not over!
places to give your money instead of contributing to the weird capitalist holiday black friday
Bushwick Ayuda Mutua — my local mutual aid network!
Navajo Water Project - 30% of Navajo families do not have access to clean water due to systemic and genocidal policies created by the government and corporations
Indigenous Women Rising funds abortions for Indigenous women
❤️